Sarah’s Thoughts -

My hair is greasy & I woke up late.

I have made some attempt to make it presentable by putting it in two, pigtail esque things, even though it is clearly too short to do so.  I am wearing a shirt of Steve’s that is very comfy, a very old Abercrombie zip up and the same jeans I wore yesterday. My drama class starts in 30 minutes and I have yet to read the play we are being quizzed on.  Furthermore, we have our final exam on Thursday and there is no way I am getting a decent grade.  I also have to spend two hours with a friend of mine at his record lable in order to write this final feature story about someone with an interesting job.  AND I have a two tests on tuesday on Psychology.  Then schools done…for good.  That is the only thing getting me through today.

I saw Ben Kweller last night in a completely chill, intimate setting.  He stood not a foot in front of me, playing his guitar and keyboard in tandem.  He broke a guitar string and ran off stage to fix it.  He stopped playing to exclaim that the note he just hit was horrible, and then re did it.  That is the best kind of music to me - raw and uncensored.  I love, love, loved it. 

One more week.  Just one more week…

One day we will turn in to one,

not spiritually, nor physically,

but we’ll formulate an understanding

to stop mocking the morals that are not our own.

One day I’ll let you inside my head,

to see the way my brain works and the motives I desire,

so you can see that I am not out to get you,

or intentionally fueling this imaginary fire.

Maybe one day you’ll let me in,

so I can see what you hide behind your wall,

so I can know that you don’t mean to make me feel,

inadequate, unintelligent, like I’m two feet tall.

One day soon we’ll realize,

that you are you, and I am I,

that there is no weak and there is no strong,

no definate right and no definate wrong;

just different ways to live.

It’s currently 4am and I have yet to fall asleep.  I’m used to the effects of insomnia - but it hasn’t been this bad for a while.  My day tomorrow is completely planned out.  I wanted to make it a productive day starting with waking up for an early work out, sooo hopefully this lack of sleep won’t hold me back.   I wiiiiissssh…that I had a venti skim sugar free vanilla latte from Starbucks sitting right in front of me, and I wish I had a cup of tomato basil soup from The NY Deli.  I also wish that MTV at least played some music at 4am. Or that some undeniably heavy force would come over my eye lids - so heavy that I had no choice but to close them for a good 5 hours at least.

Yesterday on the news they played that video of a girl being beat by 6 other girls.  They lured her in to a house and took turns beating on her because of some things she said on My space.  They also videotaped it and put it on You Tube.  So many things about this story sickens me.  People take the Internet so seriously, its frightening.  A few nasty remarks between adolescent girls should not end in a beat down.  Whenever things like this happen I try imagining what I would do.  If I were to be attacked out of no where, how would I react?  This girl just sat there and took the punches in between crying and pleading for them to stop.  I kind of wanted to jump through the TV and save her.  BEST PART is that the mother of one of the girls who beat her, said that the victim should be partly to blame because if you’re going to say things about someone on My space you should “expect that there may be violence.”  WHAT. SERIOUSLY? Take some responsibility for your kid.  If they really feel My space is grounds for almost killing someone - they. need. help.

Lately, I feel like I have so much to say but when I try to write it down nothing comes out.  Well, nothing meaningful at least.  I think being stuck in the news writing mode is taking a toll on my creative energy.  Writing news is such a clean cut, “give me the info in the simplest form” kind of structure.  Which is funny, because that is NOT the kind of writing I plan on doing at all.  I really just want to sit and write something, start a novel, but I can’t.  I feel like I’m about to burst…

My dad just left for work.  I think that’s my cue to try this sleeping thing again.

Ciao.

I recently had a falling out with a close friend.  Usually I’d be very depressed and upset about this but I’ve come to the clonclusion that I’m very tired of trying to keep things together.  Whether it be friendships, relationships, my studies - I just don’t see why everything has to be so damn hard.  Why can’t a friend just accept you for the human that you are, instead of being critical of you and staying mad for MONTHS over something so simple as an unanswered phone call.  Some people are just plain good, with good motives and intentions.  Maybe I mess up sometimes but it’s never intentional and it’s never meant to hurt anyone.  It baffles me why everyone gave up hope that there are some genuine people out there - or harbor such immense standards for people that they themselves could never live up to.  All in all, while I do realize that life is tough, it should never be THAT hard to keep people you “love” and “love” you happy. Ok..enough of that.  Lets get into some light hearted stuff.

I am extremely glad I chose Journalism as my career of choice.  I believe I can do a lot with it-inspire a lot of change.  Mind you, I have very particular views on how this is going to end up.  But I really have faith in myself with this one.  I think it’s my “calling,” so to speak.  Although, the weather stories and speech articles I’ve been assigned lately are NOT my cup of tea.  B O R I N G.

I’ve been working out a lot lately - trying to get in to shape for summer!  However I still have a problem eating correctly.  Being raised on grandmas home cooking and junk food is not something I can easily do.  If anyone has any tips on how to ween me off of my disgusting cravings, let me know!

Today Steve was awarded full custody of Mariyah.  I’m happy.

Someone once told me to write a list of all the things I want to do in my life; exactly how I expect it to plan out.  Not just “I wish I could do this..” but “I WILL do this.”  I always thought it was completely ridiculous because I’m only 20- how am I suppose to know exactly what I want out of my life??  Today, when reading a new book I just purchased, I realized I really do know what I want to be like and have done 10 years from now.  Hell, 20 years from now.  I’ve always know for certain - although it has changed a bit over the years.   When I was younger I was 100% sure I would be a famous singer.  I knew I would marry Nick Carter (for real - I actually thought this), be super rich, and have a life many would envy.  Naturally as I grew I realized this isn’t exactly an enviable life.  Anybody can be a famous singer, Nick Carter is an alcoholic, and money doesn’t buy you happiness.  After realizing this I lost my way for a while - especially my first year of college and half of my second.  I felt like I was completely wandering aimlessly with no direction.  Getting back on path seemed so difficult. Today, while reading I realized I do know exactly what I want.

 I want to graduate college, and with good standing.  I want to be confident I put everything in to my work and I didn’t just slide by.  My portfolio will be decently sized by then - something good enough to get me a job right away…

 …but I don’t want a job right away.  I want to intern for Rolling Stone or some other big magazine in a big city.  I want to live in my own apartment, pay my own bills, learn my way through New York/L.A., and be a completely independent business savvy woman.

Then, that’s when I want to find a job.  Whether or not it will be at home or where I interned, I’m unsure of.  Either way I want it to be at a magazine.   I want have my own column or section of the magazine - but not too much responsibility because I also want to write my own novel.

I want to travel to exotic places.  Italy, London, India, and where ever else I feel like going.  Each place I go I want to write about the way it makes me feel.  How it’s changed me, what I’ve learned.  I want people to read what I wrote and want to go there - want to be changed.

I want to experience some sort of spiritual awakening.  I want to feel secure in my faith and what I believe in, while still indulging myself in the pleasures of the world.  I want to find someone who is wise and mature beyond my understanding on the topic.  I want to learn everything they have to teach me.

 I want to meet someone who will make my heart explode (in a good way).  Someone who won’t deceit me, get sick of me, hurt me, or take advantage of me.  Someone I can spend every day with and never take the smile off my face.  Who genuinely makes my heart smile, and makes my life better because they are in it.

 I want to have children (some day) and I want their lives to be secure.  Not too sheltered, to the point where they don’t understand the world, but secure.  I don’t want them to experience debt or poverty, and I don’t want them to be uneducated.  Not just on academic issues, but about general manners and how people should be treated.  My kids will not be ignorant.  They will never be bullies and they will always understand that other people are different.

I want to raise my family in Marquette.  It is the perfect place to raise a family - I’m certain of this because I turned out so well But, I also want to be sure they get out of here at least a few times in their life.  The world is too beautiful to only stay in one place.

 I want to die old - after my life has been successfully lived out. I don’t want to experience pain, suffering, disease, or losing a loved one, but I’m sure some where a long the road I will…

 ..anyway, this is just how I see it all happening…

I’m writing this as a 20-year old Journalism student, nestled in a tiny Northern Michigan city.  Insignificant, trivial, sheltered. I have done nothing in my life of great importance, nothing that has left an everlasting imprint on the lives of others.  Most days, I offer myself a pat on the back for just living.  For making it through class, work, social interactions, and whatever else may be thrown my way. I’ve always wanted to change the world.  I figured that once school was done I could start putting all my effort in towards leaving my mark. However, lately I’ve developed this terribly sinking feeling that there may not be enough time.  It seems as though this feeling has come very suddenly, like a wave of panic spreading through out my body.  Where it came from, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s the seemingly chaotic state of the world these days; nothing is for certain.  People are dying everyday, or being paralyzed, or diagnosed with life threatening diseases.  It has been brought to my attention that no matter where you are or what sort of life you live, you are at the mercy of some unidentified force that knows so much more than you do.  No matter what you believe that force to be, it truly does work in mysterious ways.  My doctors say it’s anxiety.  They prescribe me pills and give me exercises to keep my mind from racing.  I would rather not rely on pills to calm my worries.  I would rather like to look out at the world one day and breath a sigh of relief, knowing that my school wont be the next to be riddled with bullets or that the next countries nuclear missile will simply be for protection purpose and not aimed at destroying the world.  My gut feeling tells me that the words I write could some day change the world - like those of T.S. Eliot or Eugene O’Neill.  Even if it’s just mindless babbling about the people I’ve met and the lessons I’ve learned.  I know this because I’ve been that girl, sitting in her bed being comforted only by words on a page that seem to coincide directly with some little chunk of her own life.  My only concern is that I’ll miss my chance- that this inspiration will pass me by or something will occur that makes me physically unable to write.  When that time comes I want to have it all ready.  My life recorded on paper, so everyone knows the amazing people I’ve met, the lessons I’ve learned, and how although I wasn’t born in to luxury or given some amazingly highly regarded gift - I meant something.